Red Dwarf - Room 101
by starfruit
Summary: Short. Stupid. Red Dwarf version of 'Room 101' Hosted by our favourite penguin. (No - not Paul Merton!)


A.N – thanks to my (sort of) beta reader, Jayne, cos she read it before anyone else!  
  
For those of you who don't know, Room 101 is a show where contestants discuss things that they hate, and see if they can put them into Room 101. Top of my list is my computer, because it got PMT and wouldn't let me upload for ages.  
  
  
  
  
  
Red Dwarf room 101.  
  
Hosted by our favourite (if completely crazy) host! Mr Flibble!  
  
_Flibble comes on and sits down_  
  
Flibble/ Hello everyone, today we welcome a very special guest. He's been all around the universe, he's passed light speed, been through a black hole, met alternate versions of himself – but all through that managed to make time to be here tonight…would you please welcome –Dave Lister!  
  
_Lister walks on in his special T-shirt with only a few stains on it, and the trousers he wore in Parallel Universe_  
  
Flibble/ Hi there Dave! *sniffs* do you smell paint?  
  
Lister/ No…no.  
  
Flibble/ Okay, let's start.  
  
Lister/ Right.  
  
Flibble/ Okay, now your first item is a quite a funny one, isn't it?  
  
Lister/ I don't see anything funny about it.  
  
_Flibble pulls out a pot noodle_  
  
Flibble/ So tell me exactly what's wrong with Pot Noodles?  
  
Lister/ Where do I start?! What's right with them! Nothing…they're disgusting, repulsive, ghastly, filthy, horrible, nauseating, repelling, sordid, sickening, smeggy, annoying pieces of smeg.  
  
Flibble/ Look who swallowed the thesaurus!  
  
_Lister looks at him_  
  
Lister/ Do you want the pot noodle on the table, or somewhere else?  
  
_Flibble pulls the lever and the Pot Noodle goes in_  
  
Lister/ Wahay! That was easy!  
  
_Lister does his hamster grin at the audience, who laugh_  
  
Flibble/ And your next item?  
  
_Peterson runs onto the stage_  
  
Lister/ What the smeg are you doing here?  
  
Peterson/ We're going drinking, do you want to come?  
  
Lister/ Alright.  
  
_Lister and Peterson walk off. Flibble looks relieved. The next item was not something that could be shown before the watershed_  
  
Flibble/ And our back up guest! Someone who you'll all be pleased to see…Rimmer. I was being sarcastic by the way.  
  
_Rimmer walks on to booing and swearing_  
  
Rimmer/ Hello!  
  
Flibble/ Hello indeed. Right – your first item?  
  
Rimmer/ Yes, indeedy, my first item, 18th century telegraph poles.  
  
Flibble/ I thought you liked them?  
  
Rimmer/ Yes, I like telegraph poles – but not this particular kind. You see…  
  
_The audience sense a long debate about telegraph poles coming on and start shouting and throwing things at the stage. Rimmer stands up and gets his notebook out_  
  
Rimmer/ Right! You're on report milladdo! You and you and…you over there. You're all on report! All of you! Goits!  
  
_Rimmer walks off muttering something about the captain, reports, smegheads and gonad-electrocution kits. Flibble looks relieved_  
  
Flibble/ And our next guest! Would you please welcome – the…Cat?  
  
_Cat walks on in his best suit, to cheering and screaming. Just before he can sit down, a girl runs up to him_  
  
Girl/ Cat! I'm your biggest fan, I love you so much!  
  
Cat/ Hmmm…you free tonight?  
  
_The girl faints. Cat catches her_  
  
Cat/ Better give her the kiss of life!  
  
Flibble/ Isn't that for drow…  
  
Cat/ Shut up.  
  
_Cat kisses the girl – the audience cheer and clap. Cat looks up at the crowd and grins. Someone comes on and takes the girl off the stage. Cat sits down, still smiling_  
  
Flibble/ Right…now Cat. Tell me about your first item.  
  
Cat/ Sorry?  
  
Flibble/ The 5 things you want to put into Room 101.  
  
Cat/ I dunno what you're talking about bud. I thought this was a chance to talk about my favourite thing.  
  
Flibble/ We _could_ do that. So – what is your favourite thing?  
  
Cat/ Me.  
  
Flibble/ Right…Cat – I think that if you want to waste, I mean spend, a whole show talking about yourself you'd be better of on some other show, like…Parkinson, or…something else.  
  
Cat/ Fine! You don't want me here – I'll go. I've got better things to do.  
  
Cat looks at the audience and holds out his arms.  
  
Cat/ Who wants to come for a drink?  
  
_Every single female in the audience (and a few men!) rush down from their seats and surround Cat. Cat looks at Flibble, Flibble is jealous of all the women staring at Cat adoringly and holding onto him_  
  
Cat/ Well Flibble, you either got it or you don't. And you? You're not even close!  
  
_Cat and half the audience leave, there are only men left in the audience now_  
  
Flibble/ Riiiiight. That's never happened before! Okay – and our _other_ guest…please welcome Camille!  
  
_Camille walks in, she is not in her green-blob state, but appears different to every man in the audience.  
  
_Flibble can hardly speak. To him she is a big can of tuna_  
  
Camille/ Hi.  
  
Flibble/ *drool*  
  
Camille/ Okay…can I tell you what I want to put into room 101?  
  
Flibble/ *drool*  
  
Camille/ I'll take that as a yes…okay – I want to put stupid drooling men in.  
  
_Flibble quickly pulls the lever and it goes in. He still has his eyes on Camille_  
  
Camille/ Riiiiight, that was surprisingly easy. Maybe I should go back into my neutral state – yes?  
  
_She changes into the blob.  
  
Flibble snaps out of it._  
  
Flibble/ Who the smeg are you?  
  
Camille/ Camille.  
  
Flibble/ And our next guest! Please welcome…  
  
Camille/ What? Wait a minute, I…  
  
_Two security guards drag Camille off the stage, she turns into whatever they want her to be, they stop and stare at her_  
  
Flibble/ This is ridiculous! Can we have some female security guards please? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY WENT OFF WITH CAT?!!!!!!!! Stupid moggy…Right! That's the…end of the show. A very different show. Let's hope _that_ never happens again.  
  
Director – CUT!!!!!!!!  
  
Flibble/ Actors!  
  
  
  
A.N – Reviews welcome, flames will be peed on. 


End file.
